Let’s talk progress

It’s March, guys. MARCH.

Yes, I am one of those girls who says, ‘OMG, WHERE HAS THE TIME GONE?!’

Just let me have it. Please.

So, if you remember, before 2014 hit, I made a small list of things that I would like to leave behind in 2013. I won’t lie – I’ve not done very well. Like, at all. Here we go..

  1. W – basically, we’re friends again. Just friends, though; no shagging. I know what you’re thinking – what a fucking retard – and you’re probably right. I really hope not,  though. Things feel different this time. I wouldn’t say he’s changed, he’s just stopped lying. Maybe I’m an idiot to believe that, but I’ve had no reason not to. I’m still fairly wary but every day it gets a little bit better. I feel like we’re real friends now; we go for brunch, hit up museums, have drinks – real friend shit. Sure, we have a lot of ‘history’ and it gets dredged up a lot, but we also joke about being soulmate friends and how neither of us will find anyone better. Most importantly, though, we send each other voice notes singing Frozen lyrics – real friend shit. I’ll admit it, it’s a weird friendship and sometimes I don’t really understand it, but it’s so easy. It’s always been easy. I won’t say I think he’s a better person now than he was, but I do feel like he’s better to me. I’m not going to say any more about him as he’s vain as fuck and loves reading about himself too much, but for now, I’m happy we’re in each other’s lives.

    It’s verging on sad how much we love it

  2. Cake – exclude birthday cake and I’ve still done pretty badly. A few days into the year I had a dilemma – do muffins count as cakes? After asking around and being told that they in fact do, I refrained from eating the BLUEBERRY muffins for breakfast. Then the next morning rolled around and that restraint flew out the window. Whoops. I also ate some kind of cake bar which I didn’t think counted, but apparently did. And, I’ll just say it – I ate regular cake, too. I’m weak. Shut up.
  3. Vomming – I’ve actually stuck to this one! Despite having been drunk off my face multiple times since the New Year, I’ve managed to keep it under control. Mornings after are significantly better when you’re not being judged and reprimanded. I’ve really enjoyed being a (semi)responsible drinker – I’ve not done anything I’ve regretted which is boring refreshing.

    I no longer look like this

  4. Unsafe sex – you have to have sex to have safe sex. I don’t want to talk about it. Shut up.
  5. Unemployment – so, I went back to nannying for a while. Not for the hilarious and boisterous little boy that I used to look after, but for a nightmare incarnated in a four year old girl. I have multiple small cousins and am around children all the time yet I have literally never known anyone to cry so much. Ever. I understand kids are attached to their mothers, I do, but when she’s IN THE SAME HOUSE, there’s no reason to cry out for her. I could barely take her outside as she’d cry her heart out in the middle of the street and I’d worry that someone would think I’d kidnapped her. She cried so hard I thought she’d hurt herself. The kid had so much attitude as well, and I shit you not, she even hit me. I did not get paid enough for that shit. As for ‘real’ work, the situation is dire, guys. You are more than welcome to give me a job. Please.

How has the new year been going for you? Are you happy with 2014 so far? What would you like to change this month?

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The Four Week Buck List – Second Update

So another 10 days have passed and I have accomplished shit loads very little. To see what I’ve already managed, click here, and to see what I set out to do, click here.

To be fair, I was in Berlin for five of those days. Not hunting for Aryan cock, but on a wholesome, family trip looking after my adorable little cousins. That’s not to say, however, that family trips to Berlin haven’t turned into complete and utter debauchery in the past, but that’s another story for another time, maybe. Berlin was great. It always is. The boys (my cousins) were horrendously naughty but have such butter wouldn’t melt faces that they could get away with murder. I got a rash on my face because the 5 year old thinks it’s hilarious to lick instead of kiss; I got scratches on my cheeks and chest and an almost bald spot because the 7 month old likes to grab and pull on everything; and I got sick. In fact, we all got sick.

At first it was just my sister. She was whining and complaining all evening but I ignored it as she has a strong tendency to be something of a drama queen. Next thing I know, she’s vomming in the bathroom and eloquently describing how diarrhoea is like having a wee out of your bum. An hour or so later, my aunt gets it. Around 10pm, the 3 year old wakes up with it. We think back and realise the 7 month old may have had it. I start freaking out. These are not good odds. I decide that I am strong willed and I refuse to get it. Mind over matter. ‘Move your big toe’ and all that jazz (we can only be friends if you get that reference, by the way). 

So, with the apartment becoming more and more like The Walking Dead, I shut myself away with the 5 year old – who slept soundly through all the commotion, by the way. The kids’ room is really cool. They have this thing called ‘the high bed’. It’s basically another level built into the room where the 5 year old sleeps. It has a play area and loads of cool stuff up there, but the steps are sketch as fuck if you’re anything more than 3 feet tall. But being cocky and confident that I was stronger than any bug, I slept up there anyway. Obviously, around 3am, it came for me. With one hand over my mouth I clambered my way across the high bed – thank fuck for night lights – and then tried to slide down the stairs on my arse. I leapt over the 5 year old in the pull out bed I should have been sleeping in and legged it to the bathroom. Of course I was a fraction too late. Brilliant. There was sick everywhere. In my hands, in my hair, all over the loo, on the walls and on the floor. Just brilliant. After cleaning, I go back to bed. Obviously the high bed is out of the question, and because I’m so loving and want to give him the best chance of not getting sick, I steer clear of the pull out with the 5 year old. This leaves the 3 year old’s bed. Just to be clear, it’s not just a bed that the 3 year old sleeps in, it’s made for 3 year olds. It can’t be more than 4 feet long. I’m 5’8″. Fuck my life. 

The next morning, the 5 year old gets sent to school to keep away from all those infected. An hour later, we get a call saying he was sick as soon as he got off the school bus. What a trip. 

Anyway, I’m back in London and better now, so things are back on track. I had a third date with the American the other day, so obviously I slept with him. He bought me Smarties, Skittles, and Penguins – how could I not? It was great. Casual and easy. No awkward fumbling. Watched episodes of It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia naked and eating Skittles in between rounds. Perfect. I do have two issues, though –

  1. He wants me on top all the time. Don’t get me wrong, I like it up there, but not the whole time. Oh, you want to switch positions? Great! Oh, reverse cowgirl? That’s still me on top. Fucker. But, when I am bouncing about up there, I can see Big Ben and the London Eye out of his window, so I don’t mind too much.
  2. He talks too much. Anyone who knows me knows that I’m not the biggest talker. This extends to sex. I don’t mind a bit of dirty talk, but if you ask me a question mid-thrust, I’m not going to answer. And then it’s just awkward; you’ll think I’m not having fun and I’ll want to gag you. The same goes for narrating what’s going on. You don’t need to. I’m right there with you doing it. It’s not a documentary and you’re not David Attenborough. I’m not going to lie, I did tell him to stop talking a couple of times and swiftly redirected his mouth to much better use. 

So, as you can see, a lot of the list is yet to be completed. My birthday is a week away. Wish me luck!

A Little Update

I finished my MSc two weeks ago and life has since slowed down significantly. Having no day to day purpose has definitely taken it’s toll on me. Looking for jobs when you still have no idea what it is you want to do is a depressing, uphill struggle. To think that I’ve only been in this situation for two weeks, and it could easily go on to be two months is more than I can bare. But, like I said, it’s only been two weeks; I’m not a lost cause yet. And as it’s only been two weeks, I’m not quite ready to write about the struggles of unemployment just yet.

Life hasn’t been all doom and gloom, though. I’ve managed to catch up with all the friends I neglected whilst working on my thesis, go to a gig, and spend time with my family. It’s been nice.

Let’s talk about the gig first. I saw James Blake at the Shepherd’s Bush Empire last week and he was literally incredible. The boy has an amazing voice. It sounds no different to how it does on his album. He played a good mixture of old and new songs, and his gorgeous cover of Joni Mitchell’s ‘A Case of You‘ (my favourite). I had shivers the entire time. What a babe.

I had gone with one of my best friends. He’s outgoing and crazy and I love him to pieces, but that night he was a hilarious mess. After a lot of wine and shots, he started asking all the couples (the place was filled with couples!) around us if they had done anal. When they said no, he started to preach. Why are the men in my life such active anal advocates?! It was inappropriate, but hilarious and a great night nonetheless.

One of the highlights of the fortnight would definitely be the little housemates reunion I had with the girls I lived with during my undergrad. We started the day brunching at My Old Dutch, because pancakes are obviously the best way to start the day. We had a slight mare over whether we should go for sweet or savoury ones, and as I am the most indecisive person on the planet, slight mare turned into huge mare. After much deliberation, I eventually settled on the savoury ‘Greek’ pancake. It was good, but I should have stuck to my usual apple and cinnamon. It comes with ice cream, after all.

After brunch we headed on down to The British Museum – who doesn’t love a free, indoor activity when it’s forecast to rain?! The British Museum is definitely my favourite, probably because it’s all rather anthropological – it even houses The Anthropology Library and Research Centre for the Royal Anthropological Institute! However, we spent little time looking at any ethnographic artifacts or learning about any cultures. Instead we mainly moved from room to room, corner to corner, gossiping about sex and boys. So unfortunately I came away with no great new knowledge to relay back to you all, but it was fun nonetheless.

We spent the rest of the day chatting over coffee, dinner, and drinks. It was beyond pleasant. Three months between catch ups really is too much.

As far as boys go, things are drying up again. I’ve not seen W in almost three weeks and all other potentials have fallen short. One boy told me that he didn’t like being ‘messed around’ by me. What had I done, you ask? Oh, nothing other than refuse to meet him for the first time in an unsafe place in the dark. I don’t want to end up in a suitcase, thanks.

I did get another message from J on Saturday which read:

Wanna play tonight? x

Ermmm, no, thanks. Like, obviously I’m amazing and you can’t get me out of your head, but enough’s enough. Why is it always the ones you don’t want that want you? Sigh.