Polished Enough?

People express themselves in a myriad of ways every single day. And I don’t just mean their thoughts or how they feel, they express who they are. We are constantly putting ourselves out there through the clothes we wear, and how we do our hair and make up. Even the accessories we do (or don’t) pile on say something about us.

It’s more than that, though. How we present ourselves doesn’t just express how we feel about ourselves, it also says how we feel about the people we’re with and the environment we’re in.

If I go for lunch with you with my glasses on, no jewellery, and my curly hair in a bun, you can be sure as hell I don’t give a flying fuck what you think I look like. If you see me like that, but then think, ‘Oh, but I see you with lipstick and contacts and really big earrings, too‘, that’s not to impress you. Sorry.

I always tend to look like a little bit of a mess, but I kind of like that. I think it’s an honest reflection of who I am; a little bit of a mess. I’m also always super casual, because that’s what I’m like, too. My most worn clothes are leggings and shorts – how much more laid back can you be? I have a (probably too) casual outlook on life and my clothes express that for me a lot of the time.

I see women on the street who look so chic and put together, and I want to be them. Their outfits look clean and tailored, and I think that that’s how their lives must be. I think they must have a perfect job and a perfect flat and perfect partner and social circle; I think that their lives must be as clean and put together as their outfits.

Obviously they’re probably not, but that’s what they put out there. That’s how they’re marketing themselves. That’s what they’re telling the world that they are.

Should I be telling the world that I’m something different?

I started thinking about this the other night when I painted my nails alternate bright pink and orange. When I was sitting there waiting for them to dry in front of Love Actually (in June!!), I thought to myself, ‘Am I too old for this kind of look?

FUCK THAT.

Nail polish is hands down my favourite way to express myself. It’s the only capacity in which I am at all artistic and take the time to create something fun and pretty. And there are just so many colours!!

Why wouldn’t you want who you are right there on the tips of your fingers for the world to see?

Maybe bright pink and orange nails are a little bit childish, but maybe it’s okay to go for something young and fun. I mean, why not? IT’S SUMMER.

I know very few girls who don’t paint their nails, or stick to neutral shades. Like, I understand sometimes you have to be work appropriate, but fun colours are just more…fun, for lack of a better word. I also understand being seasonally appropriate, and now that it’s summer, there’s no excuse not to whack out the neons and the pastels (fucking great with a tan).

I literally have a bucket full of nail polish. Literally. I have no other storage options available to me right now. But my point is, I have so much that I’ve been on a buying ban for about a year now. CAN YOU IMAGINE ALL THE AMAZING COLOURS I DON’T HAVE??? I walk into Boots and it literally hurts a little bit when I don’t leave with a new polish. I don’t even care how shallow that sounds. I fucking love it. It’s like a drug, though. Some of you will understand, and some of you will think that it’s ridiculous. If you feel like four different shades of lilac is excessive, then you know what side of the line you’re on. FYI, it’s not; it’s totally fucking necessary.

At the end of the day, I know that people are going to notice that I’ve not brushed my hair before they notice that I’ve drawn a tree on my nails. At the end of the day, though, I really don’t care. I spend most of everyday seeing my nails, I don’t spend it looking in the mirror at my hair or face. At the end of the day, how I choose to present myself is for me.

And just for fun, here are some of my fave summery patterns that I’ve done. I’m totally cack handed, so if I can manage these, so can you!

wpid-imag0380.jpg       wpid-imag0333.jpg         wpid-imag0202.jpg       wpid-img_20140221_182126.jpg         wpid-img_20140314_152317.jpg      wpid-img_20140408_122853.jpgHow do you like to express yourself? Are you a nail polish junkie? Leave me your fave colour!

 

‘I just don’t like behaving’

Life is messy. Sometimes it’s messy because of external forces we have no control over, and sometimes it’s messy because we make it like that. My life is a mess because I make it like that. I constantly make bad decisions. Knowingly. 

After some more preachy, overbearing, hypocritical words of advice, this time in regards to anal sex, W clarified his hypocrisy by saying:

I know how people/I should live my life. I just don’t like behaving.

And it dawned on me that neither do I. Secretly, of course. I’ve always been the one that people would call a dark horse or not expect certain behaviour from. When I got a tattoo at 16 no one saw it coming. When I got my tongue pierced at 17 it was an even bigger shock – this lasted all of ten days, by the way, as my mother inevitably found out and made me get rid of it. Did I really think that she wouldn’t find out? Of course not. These were obviously poor decisions on my part as I definitely knew they’d get me in trouble. To this day my friends still talk about social events from our 6th form years and when I say that I don’t remember, they respond with, ‘Oh, you were probably grounded‘. Sums me up as a teenager, doesn’t it?

I can always be trusted to make a mistake. The amount of times I’ve got with someone and said it was an accident just isn’t acceptable. Of course, this is pretty normal. Everyone makes drunken sexual mistakes. However, continuing to get with said accidents over and over again when I full well know it’s a terrible idea is where I excel. One of my best friends said that it’s okay for me to do such things because I’m a cold person who is capable of separating my feelings and not getting attached. This was probably pretty poor best friend advise on his part. Obviously, because I make bad decisions, I took it as a green light to carry on misbehaving. 

Some people get far too stressed doing things that they shouldn’t. I find it far too easy. When I was a child my uncle literally thought I was a sociopath. I’m not, obviously. I’m nowhere near charming or confident enough to be. I think it was traits like inherent indifference, violent tendencies and the ease with which I’d lie that concerned him. Anyway, the point is that not only do I find it easy, I quite enjoy it. And I’m really unsure what that says about me as a person. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t do things that are going to hurt other people or misbehave in a way that will affect someone else’s life. I make bad decisions for myself. If someone else is involved I just won’t make a decision at all because I would hate to make a choice that would disappoint them. Considerate, aren’t I?

So, why, when I know what the sensible, right thing to do would be, do I consistently do the opposite? Despite what my teenage email address may say I don’t really think I’m a masochist. Maybe I am. Maybe I subconsciously like the drama that making a mess brings. Maybe I’m an idiot who’s incapable of learning from her mistakes. Or maybe I just don’t like behaving. Either way, I always get a good story out of it.

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