Getting It On Gracelessly

Sex scenes in movies are always so perfect. Their clothes come off perfectly. They fit together perfectly. They change positions perfectly. Even the sounds to come out of their perfectly agape mouths are perfect.

Fucking bullshit.

Sex never happens like that. Everyone knows that leggings and skinny jeans are a bitch to get off. Someone always gets kicked in the head when switching positions, and someone’s always making a face  or saying something stupid that makes you want to smother them with a pillow.

Sometimes things just go wrong during sex. Sometimes it’s horrendous, sometimes it’s awkward, sometimes it’s kind of hilarious, and sometimes it’s just a sweaty amalgamation of the three. We’re only human, after all.

Here are some situations you just have to laugh through..

When a guy notices that your boobs are different sizes. So, I’m aware that most women have slightly different breast sizes, and that that’s completely normal, but I feel like mine are noticeably asymmetrical. As you always tend to be your own worst critic, I thought – even though the gap in my bra was real – maybe I was overplaying the difference in my mind, and just left it. It was never really something I thought about when getting naked with someone else, either, as no one ever mentioned it. Until they did. One night in my final year of university, I went home with this fucking moronic ginger boy who had had a thing for me for, like, a year. Things happened as they usually do. I later found out he may have been a virgin; this didn’t surprise me. The kid acted like I was the pot of gold at the end of his fucking rainbow. In reality, I’m more like a plastic cup full of pennies, so ginger virgin definitely made sense. Anyway, as I just lay there letting him do what he wanted until an appropriate amount of time had passed so that I could kick him out, he cupped both my boobs in his hands and said, ‘They’re different sizes. This one’s bigger; this one’s my favourite.‘ WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THAT?! There was nothing to do but laugh and agree and try to change the conversation. It didn’t happen again until a month or so ago when the Tinder Ginger did basically the exact same thing. I have come to the conclusion that gingers see boobs so rarely that they really fucking pay attention.

When you vom on a guy’s dick. This is mortifying, but fucking hilarious in retrospect. It’s my favourite story that I just never tell because I was so drunk it’s like it happened in a dream, and so I never remember it. Now listen, when I say ‘so drunk’, I don’t mean ‘can’t walk in my heels and offering blowjobs for McDonald’s’ kind of drunk. I mean it was definitely taking advantage of my state to go home with me. However, because we knew each other well, no one really thought anything of it even though they knew we shouldn’t have been shagging. Long story short, I think I passed out in the middle of proceedings, and when I came to, he was sitting on my torso, moving his cock towards my mouth. What a fucking gentleman. My memory fades out here, but from what I can gather, being the drunk slut I was, I gladly opened my big mouth and welcomed him in. Big mistake. The next thing I know, he’s wiping me down with a towel and I’m standing there saying, ‘Well that’s never happened before.‘ I wish I remembered actually being sick because it’s probably the funniest thing I’ve ever done – if you don’t agree, by the way, you really have no business being here – but I think my brain at the time classified it as traumatic and instantly blocked it out. In reality, it must have been a combination of the angle and the fact that I was too drunk to even have a raisin pass down my throat, but I like to think that my body just knew that the whole situation was wrong and decided to violently reject him.

When a guy refuses to go down on you. I have never had to ask for head before in my life. That’s not to say that it’s happened during every sexual encounter, but I’ve never felt like it definitely needed to be added to the roster enough to warrant asking for it. Additionally, I’m not much of a talker. You’re not going to get any verbal feedback from me no matter how much you ask for it. So, when this boy had his head between my thighs one night and JUST WASN’T DOING IT, I was so frustrated that when he asked, ‘What can I do?‘ I so meekly replied, ‘Can you put your mouth on it?‘ I die a little inside just thinking about it. So, when he looked up at me and said no, I just didn’t know what to do. I felt so awkward and exposed that my automatic response was to close my legs, forgetting that his head was still there. I think he thought I was trying to force feed him. Awkward. When I text Emily about it the next day, she told me that her friend yelled at a bloke who had refused to do it until he felt so bad that he just did it anyway – I like to think I handled it better than that, at least.

When a guy refuses to let you go down on him. I don’t tend to wait to be asked; I just do it. I’m kind like that. And I just so happen to be excellent at it so why not show off the skill set?  So, when this kid stopped me RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE, and said he ‘wasn’t feeling it‘, I was devastated. That may seem melodramatic, but it hit my confidence so hard that the first thing I did the next morning was text my friend saying, ‘Want a blozza? I got stopped mid-suck and feel inadequate‘. Obviously he did, and we ended up shagging later that night. I, however, did not feel the slightest bit better about myself even though I got the reaction that I wanted. The next time I saw the initial guy, though, he asked for head and loved it. And all was right with the world.

When you laugh in someone’s mouth. The first time I got with W, we were lying on his bed watching movies. They were my choices, so I think I was significantly more into them than he was; he talked the whole way through The Big Lebowski, and decided that Megamind was the perfect time to keep trying to get it on. I’ve seen both a shit tonne of times so basically know exactly what’s going on at any given moment and can anticipate what’s to come. So, there we were making out during this delightful children’s movie when my favourite line comes up – ‘Ollo‘. Because Megamind can’t say ‘hello‘. I burst out laughing in his mouth. Yes, I’m about 5 years old. He literally jumped away from me to the other side of the bed, whilst I carried on laughing. This was the second time we’d met. I think I semi-apologised, but more just explained that it was a fucking hilarious line. He edged towards me and said, ‘Don’t do that again. That was so awkward.’ 11 months later and it’s still my favourite memory with him.

Have you experienced any of these situations? What awkward things have you encountered during sexy times?

The second time I didn’t bang ‘the boy’

The 20 year old and I have still not had the sex (ed. read in Borat voice).

We’d initially arranged for me to stay over on Saturday night, but that morning I rethought it and said that I didn’t want to sleep over. This was partly because I’m terrible at sleeping and sharing a bed is the worst, and partly because spending the night is a different level of intimacy that I’d ideally like to avoid – the exception being doing it out of convenience. I think he was a little annoyed, but quickly got over it. He told me to wear something sexy. Obviously I turned up in leggings and a jumper. Queen of Casual.

As soon as I walked into his room I saw a lit candle and instantly walked over to smell it. Anyone who knows me will tell you I have a slight candle/fire fetish; I once made a small fire in my bedroom at university. As you can imagine, the housemates were less than thrilled. Anyway, the boy, quick as a flash, is suddenly behind me and blowing out the candle

I was supposed to blow that out before you got here. Didn’t mean for it to be romantic

What a charmer.

We exchanged pleasantries and were quickly on each other. Leggings and a jumper – works every time, ladies. It was a fairly standard tryst, although we had to have this conversation again:

Me – Don’t leave marks on my neck again

Boy – Why? You don’t like it?

Me – I’m an adult. It’s inappropriate at my age

And I stand by that! Anyone who says otherwise is wrong.

Anyway, we finish (lol), get dressed and decide where to go for dinner. Apparently, my opinion, even though he asked for it, is irrelevant. So we end up at a Chinese buffet. What girl wants to go to a buffet on a second date? How can you take advantage of that? We’re supposed to be dainty and shit, not eating like beasts until we want to vom. Luckily I don’t really give a fuck, so matched him plate for plate. And then had ice cream.

Once back at his, he fixed me a drink – not quite in the Mad Men way I dream of – and I made myself at home. He showed me random crap on the internet that I pretended to be interested in and then asked what music I wanted to listen to. Again, why ask my opinion when you’re only going to disregard it? He told me to give him a massage.

Me – You could say ‘please’

Boy – No. Just do it.

Rude. But I knew better than to argue. Besides, it was as good an excuse as any to get his top off. I carried on until my thumbs hurt/I was bored and decided to initiate play. Things quickly escalated and clothes started coming off. Until he got to my bra. That’s when things came to a grinding (lol) halt. The boy was literally stood behind me with the light on. What the fuck was he finding so difficult? I attempted to help but he smacked my hands away. So I stood and waited rather impatiently until he managed to open the clasps.

Ridiculous.

I think this small blip made him feel he had something to prove. Suddenly I was bent over, one hand around my neck and the other in my pants. Again, things escalated. He spent a lot of time on me. Like, a lot. Like, too much. I tried to make him stop. He held me down. I bit him. He picked his tie off of the floor and started to wrap it around my wrists. I fought it. He flipped me over and tied my hands behind my back. I struggled more but we both knew I loved it. This continued for quite a while longer until he finally conceded that he, too, needed a turn. I’m pretty sure he was going to make me suck him off with my hands still tied behind my back until I told him to untie me because no hands makes for shit head. Fool. We then had this conversation:

Boy – Where do you want me to do it?

Me – Do what?

Boy – You know.. when I’m finished..

Me – Ohhh, anywhere. Mouth is fine

Boy – Have you done that before?

Me – *awkward pause of shame* Yes

At least I don’t look like I’ve consumed unhealthy amounts of jizz. Ohh, the perks of an innocent face.

Sex didn’t occur, once again, because of a lack of condoms. I’m reckless and stupid so would have done it without but, thankfully, he is much more sensible. Maybe too sensible, though. After he came, the kid told me not to touch myself until after I washed my hands. Too much.

We lay and chatted. Standard post-sexy time routine. I left and went home.

I will fuck him next time.