‘I don’t know you won’t put me in a suitcase..’

Let’s be honest; the internet can be pretty fucking shady. You never know what’s really going on or who you’re really talking to. We’ve all seen Catfish; relative anonymity is a powerful tool. So, when it comes to internet dating, or meeting anyone from any kind of social media platform, really, you can never be too careful. I grew up in a fairly protective household, and although I thought my parents overdid it, their weariness of strangers has definitely rubbed off on me. You don’t know who’s sitting behind the keyboard; everyone is a potential rapist or murderer.

Save for when I was 15 and would talk to strangers over MSN and MySpace, I had no real experience in talking to people I didn’t know until my friends and I all got ourselves on Tinder last summer. My initial impressions weren’t great, as the first message I received was:

You look like you’re a naughty girl.

Needless to say, he was promptly blocked. Slightly more wary, I continued to sift through the abundance of unappealing boys with no chat until I came across one who was basically my twin. We got along like a house on fire, and ended up talking consistently for days. After a few days, he started to mention that we should meet up, which, of course, scared me shitless. I’d already sort of eliminated the Catfish worry, as we’d obviously already exchanged Snapchats by then, and I had indeed confirmed that he was the same boy in his pictures. To be honest, though, as Tinder profiles are connected to Facebook profiles, I’m not overly worried about someone not physically being the same person. Sure, he may be the brown haired boy in the suit, but so was Patrick Bateman.

YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW

After endless excuses, I finally admitted that I was just plain ol’ scared – that I didn’t know he wouldn’t put me in a suitcase. He thought I was being irrational, I was as serious as I’d ever been. That week, a girl in her mid-twenties had been found in a suitcase near where I live, and her murderer has only just been found guilty. Stories like this, sadly, come around far too often – you really never can be too careful. Before you start, I obviously don’t mean to trivialise what happened to this poor girl. It’s just that sometimes you can’t just say, ‘sorry, I’m scared you’ll rape and murder me’. Like I said, the internet is pretty fucking shady, and you can never be too careful. So, without further ado, here are some of the results of the ‘suitcase line’..

W – The first time I threw this worry out there, the first time I ever met anyone off of the internet, was with W. When I first met him at a pub around the corner from the library, he whatsapped me saying, ‘I’ll be the one with the suitcase’ – I laughed, but it didn’t put me at ease. Two days later, when I ended up in his bedroom, he pointed out everything that he would be able to fit me in if he chopped me up. I felt at ease when it dawned on me that boys may also have reservations when it comes to going home with strangers – as we were falling asleep he mumbled, ‘don’t steal my shit while I’m sleeping’. Classic.

J – Click the link for some context on this kid; it’ll help infinite amounts. To summarise, though, J was essentially a massive toff and, unsurprisingly, was not amused by my suitcase fears. Obviously he was just boring. When he met me at the station and we started walking towards the pub, he said that he had considered picking me up in his car because it was raining. He then went on to explain that he didn’t because he knew I wouldn’t be cool with getting into a stranger’s car, especially as his car has tinted windows and looks a little bit rapey. As he saw my brow start to furrow, he quickly let out a nervous, ‘and there’s a suitcase in the back’. My mouth literally dropped. I decided he was kidding. So, after a brief return to his house for more drinks and ‘privacy’, I let him give me a lift back to the station. I tentatively opened the front passenger side door to the rape car and peered around the front seat. Lo and behold, there it was – a big arse suitcase. I got in the car regardless as I figured that if he was going to murder me, he would have done it already. I ignore his messages now.

P – This kid was undoubtedly the cutest. He had a youngish face and seemed really sweet, which obviously meant I needed to be extra careful. He laughed off the suitcase line with an, ‘I only have a duffel’ and I was hooked. He added me on Facebook to put me at ease and off I went to meet him for sex drinks. Drinks went swimmingly – he was boyishly charming and I was endearingly awkward – so we moved the party back to his. He had told me that night that he was in the process of moving house, so I expected to walk into a mess of a flat. However, what I found myself in was far, far worse. The place was barren. BARREN. There was literally nothing there but the furniture that came with the place. The fridge was unplugged. There were no toiletries in the bathroom. THERE WERE NO SHEETS ON THE BED. I knew it; he was going to murder me. This was the most suitcasey situation, ever. I questioned him endlessly. Was this even his flat?! Eventually he threw me on the bed and had his way with me. His innocent little face was a lie. He fucked like Christian Bale in American Psycho (minus the mirror). I stopped waiting for a suitcase and started anticipating a fucking chainsaw. As you can see, though, I survived to tell the tale.

There have been other miscellaneous responses – I get a lot of, ‘could you fit in a suitcase?’ Sorry, are you implying that I’m huge? Some boys play along, some boys think it’s insensitive – so it’s also kind of a way to gauge how fucking dull they are, too. Essentially, though, my point is that you should always be safe. Always meet in public places and always let someone know where you are. Don’t let anyone put you in a situation where you feel uncomfortable or at risk. They WILL try to do this; I am genuinely shocked by the amount of boys that think I will just turn up on their doorstep without having properly vetted them first. Men are morons.

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Dumb shit men say: The Asian Edition

Happy New Year!! I hope you all had a wonderful time celebrating with your loved ones and were super messy to make up for me being super sensible. I’ve literally no stories to tell from the night. Hellooo, adulthood.

Anyway, I thought I’d do another ‘Dumb shit men say‘ post, with an emphasis on the ones that talk to me because I’m Indian. Now, I’d say 80% of my messages are from Asian men, so, really, most of what you’ve already read is from them. So I’ve sifted through the muck and found some that are more explicit in their Asian approach. Enjoy!

They like to point out that I am Indian

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They like to point out that I am tall for an Indian

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They think it’s okay to speak in Hindi

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And make references to Bollywood actresses

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All because we’re just so damn hot

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The Four Week Bucket List Update

10 days ago I posted about how I shall soon be turning 23, and made a short bucket list of things I wanted to do in the remaining time. Let’s see what’s been done..

Basically nothing. Fail.

I have been on 5 dates though, so that’s a start!

#1 The Policeman – We met on POF and he was so nice to me. He wasn’t particularly good looking but he didn’t seem awful either. I let this slide in the interest of finding someone who was actually nice to me, was older (28), and because I kind of just wanted to date a policeman. After weeks(!) of talking we finally met for a drink. I knew as soon as I saw him that it was just a no. He was far too small for me and I just didn’t fancy him. I don’t think the feeling was mutual however, as at the end of the night he tried to go for a kiss and I turned my head. Awkward. Regardless, he text me later that same night – I’m a catch. I never replied – I’m a bitch.

If only

#2 The American – I found the American on OKCupid, which I’ve only recently joined, and he also seemed nice. Can you tell I’m really trying to find nice boys?! We met in the city on Halloween night, and he took me to a rooftop bar in St Paul’s. +1. The view was incredible. +1. He was funny and interesting and kept me laughing the whole night. +1. He was SO American (no offence to any Americans reading)! So animated and loud to the point it was kind of obnoxious. -1. But, like I said, he was funny and nice so I let it slide. We spent upwards of 4 hours wandering around the city, drinking and talking, and I had a really good time. We kissed goodbye at the station. He messaged me the next day – do I need to tell you I’m a catch again? I replied!

#3 The American part 2 – We kept in contact and a few days later I went to his to watch a movie. He assured me that watching a movie meant actually watching a movie. As he’s such a chatty Cathy, I said I’d like to watch something I’d already seen as he’d no doubt talk through it. He picked the only one on the list that I hadn’t! 30 minutes or Less, if you’re wondering. Luckily it took little focus to follow it as he did talk and keep trying to make out the whole way through. When the Indian girl, played by Dilshad Vadsaria, came on screen, he said, ‘She looks like you’. I of course burst out laughing. He countered with a, ‘No, I see the similarities,’ followed by a ‘Yes! Nailed it!’ He’s an idiot but it made me laugh. I had said that I wasn’t going to have sex with him – and not in the way that means that it was definitely on either. Somehow, I stuck to this. I was so proud of myself. We made out. A lot. It was frustrating for both of us. His nice boy exterior slowly faded as he surprised me with his extensive dirty talk. Literally the last thing I was expecting. Anyway, long story short – we didn’t bang, I met his flatmate (who was cute!), he walked me back to the station, kissed me goodbye, and that was it. We’re still talking and he wants to see me tomorrow.

I wish

#4 The Engineer – Another OKCupid find, he’s a 27 year old software engineer working with start ups and doing things with the internet that I don’t understand. His office is in Shoreditch, so this is where we went for drinks. Thankfully he is just as judgemental as I am and made fun of all the hipster kids taking themselves far too seriously. I wasn’t initially that attracted to him, but as we talked more, he was charming and funny and interesting and I really enjoyed myself. After a few drinks and a lot of chat, home time rolled around. He walked me to the station via his office to pick up his laptop. I maybe thought his office is where he’d make a move, but it was all very innocent. I had a wander whilst he grabbed his things and then we left. Lame. Cut to standing on the super busy platform at Old Street – I was overly aware of there being so many people around us as I am generally not one for any kind of PDA. So I went for a hug and he kissed me on the cheek. However, when I pulled away, he just went for it. And so there we stood on the platform, surrounded by people, getting with each other for the full three minutes before my tube came. I figured he’s a grown up so I should just go with it – that’s how I justify being complicit in such PDA anyway! Sounds like a great date, right? HE HASN’T TEXT ME! Literally, what is this? Doesn’t he know I’m kind of a big deal? Question: Should I text him?

#5 The One Not Worth Mentioning – 25 year old training to be an accountant. Standard. We went to a Mexican bar in Angel. He was very nice. Conversation was relatively easy. It was all distinctly fine. I had no interest in him. I must have feigned it relatively well though as he text me the next day. His message ended with ‘hope you had fun?’ If you have to hope I had fun in a question because you’re that unsure of yourself, there’s a good chance I didn’t. I’m sure you can guess that I didn’t reply.

Here’s to the next five dates!