First kisses don’t always end with a twist, Kesha

I don’t know about you guys, but the potential of a first kiss scares me shitless. I can’t read signals – I don’t know what I’m feeling, let alone what the other person’s feeling. People don’t always have a ‘move’ à la Ryan Gosling in Stupid Crazy Love, SO HOW ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO KNOW IF SOMEONE WANTS TO PUT THEIR MOUTH ON YOURS?

You wait for the ‘moment’.

I think that, often, those movie type magic moments are so fleeting that they’re really just hard to recognise, especially for a first kiss. When you know someone well, moments are there all the time – you can be smiling at each other on an escalator and know it’s the time to kiss. It’s not though, by the way, save that shit for private, you animals. Every first kiss is a new experience; every time is like exploring new territory. No, not literally the insides of their mouths, metaphorically, YOU ANIMALS. I think that unless you’re crazy confident, you can never guarantee that a kiss is on the cards, and this is why there’s no natural ‘moment’ for it. So, more often than not, the moment has to be fabricated. This can happen in a number of ways, some more standard and socially acceptable than others.

For the most part, no one really says anything before a first kiss, it’s usually all about ‘the eyes’. In my mind, I don’t even know how to make ‘the eyes’, but apparently I give them out all over the shop. Oh well. Boys are generally pretty good at picking up on this look, and that’s how they know they should go for it, especially in club type situations. After a date, or when you’re a tad more sober, however, it can be a little bit more difficult than that, and guys tend to come out with a line of sorts..

“So..” You know that awkward pause when you’re standing on the platform/at your bus stop after a great date but neither of you has really been explicit about your intentions? And you have 3 minutes until your appropriate mode of public transportation arrives and you’re not quite ready to say goodbye? And you don’t really want to leave without getting felt up a little bit? But no one’s doing anything? Yeah, that’s when one of you will be so bold as to say ‘So..’. And then you make out until TFL cockblocks you and it is glorious.

“Come here.”/’Get over here.” He says something to this effect, grabs you, and lays it on ya. This is probably my favourite, except for the split second of mild overwhelming panic when you’re not entirely sure what he wants you over there for. I enjoy that it is dominant without being forceful, and that the guy is confident enough to sense what you want and take charge of the situation. PERFECT.

“I really want to touch your face.” We’d been through three hours of drinks, a drunken walk home, and the whole of The Big Lebowski whilst lying on the bed together. No one had made a move, and to be honest with you, I was quite content with that. However, we had met on Tinder and pretty much planned for me to stay the night, so I knew a kiss was coming at some point. I just didn’t expect it to take so fucking long. I basically spent five hours wondering when the kid was going to make a move. We were lying really close on the bed, he kept touching my legs – it could have happened at any time. Eventually, he must have decided that the opening credits of Megamind really set the mood as he got closer and closer to my face and declared that he wanted to touch it. I should probably say that it wasn’t a completely random thing for him to come out with, as it is a well known fact that I freak out and smack anyone who touches my face, but, still. It was weird.

“You’re so awkward.” He wasn’t wrong, but that was definitely weird to say, right? So, we were sitting on his sofa (which he made an effort to let me know was from Heal’s) and I was downing my drink because he kept staring at me and I was hella unnerved by it. I told him to stop, he said his line, and then he just went for me. I was sitting with my knees up against my chest. I know I said I’m shit with signals, but I could not think of less inviting body language! How did he read my acute discomfort as his ‘moment’? He then later tricked me into his bedroom by saying he could hear his housemate at the door. His housemate was not at the door. I’m just that stupid.

How do you feel about first kisses? What’s the weirdest thing someone’s said to you before they’ve made their move?