Men In Crates

As you all know, because I complain about it every other post, I don’t have a man in my life, so I don’t tend to spend a whole lot of time looking for gifts for men. But if I did, I would head straight to Man Crates.

HOW SUBTLE WAS THAT?

Fo’ realz, though, it’s pretty cool. Obviously I’d never heard of it before because I never know anything cool, but I was pleasantly surprised. Personally, I love shopping for boys’ clothes, but I know that that’s not always a present that they want, even if it’s something that they desperately need. Guys are categorically hard to shop for. It’s just a fact. So Man Crates does all the hard work for you! They have a selection of different themed crates which you can choose from, and they’re shipped with a crowbar to open them with! A CROWBAR! My faves were all the alcohol themed ones, surprise surprise, but especially the Personalised Whiskey Crate. I do have to say, though, I’m not a massive fan of their outright disregard for bows, ribbons, and fluff. Never underestimate the power of a well placed ribbon!

They have quite a few ‘survival’ themed crates (zombies, duh), and in that spirit, thought it would be fun to see what people would want to see in a crate if they were marooned on a desert island. I think we’ve all played this game, so you know the drill. This is what I would want, please!

#1  A man. A man would serve multiple purposes. There’s obviously sexy time, because, what else are you going to do on a desert island? But he’d also be useful for building shelter, protecting me from anything that might try to kill and eat me, finding food for us, and just generally taking care of me. I am not capable enough to be a feminist in this scenario; I would genuinely die within 24 hours. I think my top pick of man would have to be Thor – I know he’s not technically a ‘man’, or ‘real’, but no one’s really shipping me men in a crate either so we’ll just allow it. Plus, he’s a total babe. And I’m not just talking Chris Hemsworth in general here, I specifically want him as Thor. Okay? Good.

What. A. Babe.

#2  Alcohol. This would also serve multiple purposes, I believe. Primarily, it would be used for drinking because fuck being sober. But also as a disinfectant or as something flammable to get a fire going, perhaps? I would like red and white wine, bourbon, tequila, gin, and rum. Mixers are for pussies. Thanks.

#3  Ice cream. I’m not entirely sure how proficient Thor is in the hunter-gatherer way of life, though I imagine he’s pretty much amazing at everything, so I’m not too worried about starving. BUT YOU CAN’T HUNT OR GATHER ICE CREAM. In my opinion, ice cream is essentially it’s own food group and probably the greatest thing ever, so I couldn’t do without it. Flavours I would like include, but aren’t limited to: pistachio, lemon, coffee, and mint chocolate chip.

#4  Pen and paper. This counts as one and I would like an unlimited supply, please. Apart from having dirty, dirty sex with Thor, I imagine there is very little to do on this island. I would say that I’d use the time to start exercising and get really fit, but I think we all know that’s never going to happen. If anything, judging by my intended alcohol and ice cream consumption, I’m just gonna pack it on. I mean, what’s Thor gonna do? Cheat on me? GOOD LUCK WITH THAT, THOR. So, the simple pen and paper will provide endless entertainment. First off, I’d make a calendar to accurately log how long I’d been stranded with a literal god. Then it would be used for writing stories and making games. The usual.

#5  Tampons. Because this is the real world.

This list could have been a lot more exciting, but, as you can see, I’ve really gone down the practical route. Genuine essentials only!

What would you like to find in a washed up crate if you were marooned on a desert island?

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23 Things I (Ir)Rationally Love

I’ve seen a few variations of these listy type posts going around – Aussa, Angelle, Samara – and as I’m one to hop on the bandwagon, I couldn’t resist. I’m stubborn as fuck so I refuse to accept that anything I love is irrational, but, here ya go..

1  Making weird faces. Smiling is so mainstream.

2  Sugar on white rice – don’t knock it ’til you’ve tried it.

3  Purposely making situations more awkward than they need to be for my own amusement.

4  Quoting The Big Lebowski whether any one else gets it or not.

5  Playing with fire.

6  Playing with wax.

7  Sitting under my desk to read.

8  Blow jobs.

9  Dressing up and playing with my teddy bears. At the age of 23.

10  Beauty Blogs + buying make up. I wear 3% of what I own.

11  Picking at my nail polish. After I’ve spent hours doing really cool designs.

12  TYPING IN CAPITAL LETTERS.

13  Writing things by hand instead of typing them.

14  Shots, shots, shots, shots, shots.

15  Complaining about my period pains.

16  Doing my eyebrows. What’s more important than eyebrows?

17  The moon. I just love it.

18  Side ponytails.

19  Wandering around Selfridges/various department stores, putting all the handbags on my arm and asking, ‘Does this suit me? Is this a good everyday bag for me?

3.1 Phillip Lim Mini Pashli – every time

20  The smell of library books.

21  Picking scabs. My legs are more scarred than a ten year old boy’s.

22  The E! Network. Sorry not sorry.

23  Eating ice cream outside in the cold. Bliss.

Do you relate to any of these things? What are some things that you irrationally love?

What’s in a name? That which we call a whore…

When I was at school, I used to flirt with the barista at my local Starbucks to get free syrups and espresso shots, as well as the occasional lemon and poppy seed muffin.

Sometimes, when I’m out in da club, I make ‘the eyes’ at random men so as to milk them for free drinks.

Last summer, I gave my friend a blow job in exchange for him purchasing me an ice cream.

Which one of these sounds the worst to you? No, you’re wrong. Try again.

Trading actual sexual favours for material edible goods may seem like the most slutty and whore like thing to do here, but, if you think about it, it’s really the most honest and forthright. Are you thinking about it? Do you get it? Let me explain –

So, it was the first week of September and London was going through some kind of disgusting heat wave. I’m talking old men with their moobs out on the tube, sweaty fannies gasping for air, everything smelling like balls, and thunder thighs everywhere chafing in full force kind of disgusting. It was grim. To make matters worse, W and I were holed up in a classroom on campus, slowly losing the will to live. He was revising for an exam and I was line editing my thesis. LINE EDITING. Do you honestly know of anything worse?! As the day wore on and we started to become more and more unfocused, he started to subtly suggest that we have sex. But, alas, I was on my period. IN THAT HEAT. Like I said – slowly losing the will to live. Now, we all know that in boys’ minds, period week = blowjob week, so it’s no big surprise where the discussion quickly headed. Due to aforementioned heat and leaky vagina, I wasn’t in the most selfless of moods – so we started to barter.

Did I want a coffee? No. Did I want an IOU? No. Did I want a gin ‘n’ tonic? No. Did I want to just make a mess and have sex anyway? No. Did I want an ice cream? Fuck yes.

It was literally that simple. We got under the desk and got to it. 8 minutes later I was skipping down the stairs, excited to wrap my tongue around something far sweeter.

We both knew exactly what was going on. We knew exactly what we were giving, and we knew exactly what we were getting in return. No miscommunication. No misdirection. No bullshit.

What’s so bad about that?

We’ve all been – or encountered – the girl who bats her lashes, flashes a smile and somehow ends up with a double vodka and lemonade in her hand. We all know that look on the guy’s face when the girl walks away – that really sad cross between bewildered and defeated. It’s kind of pathetic. Having said that, men shouldn’t be so fucking naive. It is highly unlikely that the girl way hotter than you is actually interested in what your mother said on the phone this morning or how you deal with your receding hairline. You need a reality slap. Moreover, no one likes girls who do this! Obviously I’m okay with it, though, as I do tend to do it from time to time; only when I’m really drunk, though, and my conscience has been rendered to that of a free loading slut. I feel bad in the morning, if that means anything.

Anyway, as you can see, this kind of situation is full of deception and manipulation, people not knowing where they stand, and people getting let down. Now, that’s bad.

If you hadn’t realised, I like to be candid. It makes life infinitely easier, and, let’s face it, more entertaining. So I propose this – next time you want something, ask for it. Don’t lie and cheat your way to it. Ask for it straight up and then haggle your way to it. This is literally how civilisations are built. Anth 101 – Gift Exchange, bitches.

I know, I know; you’re sceptical and you still think I’m a whore. Frankly, I think I undersold myself.