Liar, liar

As I mentioned here and here, I make bad decisions. W was a bad decision I knowingly made over and over.

We met on Tinder. After a week of constant talking, we realised how much we had in common and how similar we were. So we met for a drink after he was done with work and I was done with the library. I was awkward but we got along great. A couple of days later we arranged drinks and a sleepover. During drinks I had second thoughts, and started texting my friends saying that I wasn’t sure I was attracted to him and felt like it was just friendly. I stayed over anyway. We watched two of my favourite movies, The Big Lebowski and Megamind. Things happened but we didn’t have sex. The next day he bought me breakfast and took me back to the library. Sounds great, right? We definitely had great friend potential, I wasn’t sure of my feelings further than that. Regardless, we kept meeting up after work and during lunches. We’d go for coffee, take walks around the city, hook up in bathrooms – it was fun and easy.

After a month of this, we finally had sex. In a bathroom on campus. I knew I shouldn’t have done it as soon as it was over. Whoops. I said that I didn’t want to sleep with someone who was sleeping with other people, so he said that he wouldn’t. In hindsight, I’m unsure why I said that. I didn’t have feelings for him beyond friendship, I think I just didn’t want to share.

The next day I was at drinks with my best friend. He came up on her Tinder. I told her to like him. They matched. He chatted. He lied. I was raged. I pretended everything was fine. I got him to come see me on campus with the promise of a blow job. I confronted him. He denied it. We were done. I went out and got blackout drunk.

A few days later he text me something about wanting to put his dick in my ass. Brilliant. We spoke the next day, he suggested make up sex. No. But then I thought about it and decided we could have sex without the friendship. I got him to come fuck me and walked off without any chat after. He text straight away to say it was a weird experience. Oh well. I stayed distant, he tried to be friendly.

Eventually, we fell back into a friendship. I don’t know how or why. I didn’t trust him. We then spent a week together, from morning ’til eve, studying and hooking up everywhere. Bad, bad choices. Having a friendship with someone you don’t trust is hard. I wanted to be friends with the boy who was basically my twin. I wanted to be friends with the boy who’d wait ’til I looked up from my work and then rip out pages of his textbook with his teeth and eat it to make me laugh. I wanted to be friends with the boy who’d sing along to Childish Gambino, Taylor Swift and the High School Musical soundtrack with me. But he was overshadowed by the boy who’d tell lies. He was overshadowed by the boy that I just couldn’t trust. How do you have a friendship with someone like that?

The answer is that you can’t. There’s just no way. A few days ago he came clean about a pointless lie that he’d been running for at least a month. A lie that I had never believed and was completely unnecessary. After this I told him that we couldn’t be friends because I didn’t trust him. As hard as I tried to ignore him, he wouldn’t let me. It seems I’m pretty weak like that. But yesterday it all blew up.

He told me he got back together with his ex-girlfriend 4 days after they actually had. In that time he had talked about having sex with me, asked for sexy snapchats, and sent the odd dick pick. That’s just not okay. Not to me and not to her. There were other things, too – but I’d be here forever if I wrote about every cuntish thing he did. If I wasn’t already 100% certain that there was no shred of the boy that I thought I’d been friends with in him, when he said

I value myself more than others so I do what I want. [Being a] cunt is a side effect

I knew I was done. You can’t come back from that.

He is essentially someone I should have cut out of my life months ago. And I knew that. But against my better judgement I gave him chance after chance. Of course it backfired on me. It was always going to. It makes me angry and sad. I’ve never ended a friendship before. Not intentionally, anyway. It’s different when friends drift apart slowly and you almost don’t realise it’s happened. Cutting out a friend who had become quite a big part of my life was and is hard. But it’s necessary.

If you are in a relationship – whether it be romantic, friendship, casual – and if it is not serving you as a person, if it’s not letting you grow and be the best version of yourself, then get out. Don’t waste time on people who don’t respect you, don’t value you, don’t put in what you do but expect you to do this for them. You are worth more than that, and so am I.

Double Standards

I’ve had a casual, friends with benefits type relationship with W for coming up to two months now. He goes through occasional phases of saying that we should stop having sex because it’ll be bad for our friendship ‘long term’. That is, until he wants to fuck again.

When we first started fooling around and having sex in public places, I didn’t feel like it was particularly slutty. Grimey? A little. But slutty? No. Because I knew him, and it was always with him – not multiple random people. 

During one of said phases, when he had decided that we should ‘just be friends’, he came out with the following:

W – Now that we’re friends, I can tell you that you shouldn’t be doing stuff like that in toilets..

Me – You did it too..

W – But if I tell people, I get ‘lad points’; if you tell people, they’ll think you’re a slut

Me – It’s not like you’re a stranger though. I know you.

W – Can you not see why it’s bad?

Although he later backtracked when he inevitably decided we should continue to bang and insisted he just meant I shouldn’t do it with randoms – which I wouldn’t anyway – the issue of the double standard in attitudes to men and women’s sexuality has been on my mind since. 

Even in 2013, sexual double standards are constantly perpetuated throughout modern society. Women are still not given free reign of their bodies and their sexuality without being perceived as ‘sluts’, ‘whores’, ‘dirty’, and ‘easy’. Men, on the other hand, are considered ‘lads’, ‘studs’, ‘players’, and even ‘gods’. This is maintained by both genders, with women playing a prominent role in calling each other out on being promiscuous, regardless of their own sexual history; otherwise known as ‘slut shaming’.

The most recent example of this in popular culture would be Miley Cyrus’ VMA performance with Robin Thicke. Her ‘twerking’ and grinding up on a man who is over 15 years her senior earned her the title of a slut. She was called out for being overtly provocative and sexual whilst no one blinked an eye at Thicke, a married middle-aged man, for singing, ‘I know you want it,’ to a 20 year old girl. Whilst I, personally, did not like the performance – the bears creeped me out – I would not call Miley a slut. Sure, she was wearing minimal clothing and dancing provocatively on stage, but don’t the majority of female artists? Is Rihanna a slut? Is Beyonce? No. So why has Miley been singled out for being comfortable with her body and sexuality, and owning it? 

We are of a generation where girls are told that they can do what they want, they can be what they want, that the world is theirs for the taking. In reality, however, empowered women are not valued in the way that they should be. Whether it be women who are at the top of their career or women who are open and comfortable with their sexuality, attributes that are lauded when found in men are faults when found in women. This ‘slut shaming’ culture, which is nothing new, only serves to perpetuate it. Bold, fierce, and proud women should be praised. They should not have to fear being judged by society for being who they want to be and doing what they want to do. How many women do you think haven’t gone home with someone because they think it makes them a slut? It’s not just other people who ‘slut shame’, we do it to ourselves, cowering behind society’s expectations instead of defying them.

Ultimately, people have different values and different variations of what they think is appropriate behaviour. But it’s not their place to force those values on other people. If you only want to have sex with someone you’re in a relationship with, in the missionary position, once a week, then that’s cool. But don’t look at the girl who’s banging three people and loving her life and call her a slut. You do you. She has other people to do her. 

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