What’s in a name? That which we call a whore…

When I was at school, I used to flirt with the barista at my local Starbucks to get free syrups and espresso shots, as well as the occasional lemon and poppy seed muffin.

Sometimes, when I’m out in da club, I make ‘the eyes’ at random men so as to milk them for free drinks.

Last summer, I gave my friend a blow job in exchange for him purchasing me an ice cream.

Which one of these sounds the worst to you? No, you’re wrong. Try again.

Trading actual sexual favours for material edible goods may seem like the most slutty and whore like thing to do here, but, if you think about it, it’s really the most honest and forthright. Are you thinking about it? Do you get it? Let me explain –

So, it was the first week of September and London was going through some kind of disgusting heat wave. I’m talking old men with their moobs out on the tube, sweaty fannies gasping for air, everything smelling like balls, and thunder thighs everywhere chafing in full force kind of disgusting. It was grim. To make matters worse, W and I were holed up in a classroom on campus, slowly losing the will to live. He was revising for an exam and I was line editing my thesis. LINE EDITING. Do you honestly know of anything worse?! As the day wore on and we started to become more and more unfocused, he started to subtly suggest that we have sex. But, alas, I was on my period. IN THAT HEAT. Like I said – slowly losing the will to live. Now, we all know that in boys’ minds, period week = blowjob week, so it’s no big surprise where the discussion quickly headed. Due to aforementioned heat and leaky vagina, I wasn’t in the most selfless of moods – so we started to barter.

Did I want a coffee? No. Did I want an IOU? No. Did I want a gin ‘n’ tonic? No. Did I want to just make a mess and have sex anyway? No. Did I want an ice cream? Fuck yes.

It was literally that simple. We got under the desk and got to it. 8 minutes later I was skipping down the stairs, excited to wrap my tongue around something far sweeter.

We both knew exactly what was going on. We knew exactly what we were giving, and we knew exactly what we were getting in return. No miscommunication. No misdirection. No bullshit.

What’s so bad about that?

We’ve all been – or encountered – the girl who bats her lashes, flashes a smile and somehow ends up with a double vodka and lemonade in her hand. We all know that look on the guy’s face when the girl walks away – that really sad cross between bewildered and defeated. It’s kind of pathetic. Having said that, men shouldn’t be so fucking naive. It is highly unlikely that the girl way hotter than you is actually interested in what your mother said on the phone this morning or how you deal with your receding hairline. You need a reality slap. Moreover, no one likes girls who do this! Obviously I’m okay with it, though, as I do tend to do it from time to time; only when I’m really drunk, though, and my conscience has been rendered to that of a free loading slut. I feel bad in the morning, if that means anything.

Anyway, as you can see, this kind of situation is full of deception and manipulation, people not knowing where they stand, and people getting let down. Now, that’s bad.

If you hadn’t realised, I like to be candid. It makes life infinitely easier, and, let’s face it, more entertaining. So I propose this – next time you want something, ask for it. Don’t lie and cheat your way to it. Ask for it straight up and then haggle your way to it. This is literally how civilisations are built. Anth 101 – Gift Exchange, bitches.

I know, I know; you’re sceptical and you still think I’m a whore. Frankly, I think I undersold myself.


The Four Week Bucket List Update

10 days ago I posted about how I shall soon be turning 23, and made a short bucket list of things I wanted to do in the remaining time. Let’s see what’s been done..

Basically nothing. Fail.

I have been on 5 dates though, so that’s a start!

#1 The Policeman – We met on POF and he was so nice to me. He wasn’t particularly good looking but he didn’t seem awful either. I let this slide in the interest of finding someone who was actually nice to me, was older (28), and because I kind of just wanted to date a policeman. After weeks(!) of talking we finally met for a drink. I knew as soon as I saw him that it was just a no. He was far too small for me and I just didn’t fancy him. I don’t think the feeling was mutual however, as at the end of the night he tried to go for a kiss and I turned my head. Awkward. Regardless, he text me later that same night – I’m a catch. I never replied – I’m a bitch.

If only

#2 The American – I found the American on OKCupid, which I’ve only recently joined, and he also seemed nice. Can you tell I’m really trying to find nice boys?! We met in the city on Halloween night, and he took me to a rooftop bar in St Paul’s. +1. The view was incredible. +1. He was funny and interesting and kept me laughing the whole night. +1. He was SO American (no offence to any Americans reading)! So animated and loud to the point it was kind of obnoxious. -1. But, like I said, he was funny and nice so I let it slide. We spent upwards of 4 hours wandering around the city, drinking and talking, and I had a really good time. We kissed goodbye at the station. He messaged me the next day – do I need to tell you I’m a catch again? I replied!

#3 The American part 2 – We kept in contact and a few days later I went to his to watch a movie. He assured me that watching a movie meant actually watching a movie. As he’s such a chatty Cathy, I said I’d like to watch something I’d already seen as he’d no doubt talk through it. He picked the only one on the list that I hadn’t! 30 minutes or Less, if you’re wondering. Luckily it took little focus to follow it as he did talk and keep trying to make out the whole way through. When the Indian girl, played by Dilshad Vadsaria, came on screen, he said, ‘She looks like you’. I of course burst out laughing. He countered with a, ‘No, I see the similarities,’ followed by a ‘Yes! Nailed it!’ He’s an idiot but it made me laugh. I had said that I wasn’t going to have sex with him – and not in the way that means that it was definitely on either. Somehow, I stuck to this. I was so proud of myself. We made out. A lot. It was frustrating for both of us. His nice boy exterior slowly faded as he surprised me with his extensive dirty talk. Literally the last thing I was expecting. Anyway, long story short – we didn’t bang, I met his flatmate (who was cute!), he walked me back to the station, kissed me goodbye, and that was it. We’re still talking and he wants to see me tomorrow.

I wish

#4 The Engineer – Another OKCupid find, he’s a 27 year old software engineer working with start ups and doing things with the internet that I don’t understand. His office is in Shoreditch, so this is where we went for drinks. Thankfully he is just as judgemental as I am and made fun of all the hipster kids taking themselves far too seriously. I wasn’t initially that attracted to him, but as we talked more, he was charming and funny and interesting and I really enjoyed myself. After a few drinks and a lot of chat, home time rolled around. He walked me to the station via his office to pick up his laptop. I maybe thought his office is where he’d make a move, but it was all very innocent. I had a wander whilst he grabbed his things and then we left. Lame. Cut to standing on the super busy platform at Old Street – I was overly aware of there being so many people around us as I am generally not one for any kind of PDA. So I went for a hug and he kissed me on the cheek. However, when I pulled away, he just went for it. And so there we stood on the platform, surrounded by people, getting with each other for the full three minutes before my tube came. I figured he’s a grown up so I should just go with it – that’s how I justify being complicit in such PDA anyway! Sounds like a great date, right? HE HASN’T TEXT ME! Literally, what is this? Doesn’t he know I’m kind of a big deal? Question: Should I text him?

#5 The One Not Worth Mentioning – 25 year old training to be an accountant. Standard. We went to a Mexican bar in Angel.┬áHe was very nice. Conversation was relatively easy. It was all distinctly fine. I had no interest in him. I must have feigned it relatively well though as he text me the next day. His message ended with ‘hope you had fun?’ If you have to hope I had fun in a question because you’re that unsure of yourself, there’s a good chance I didn’t. I’m sure you can guess that I didn’t reply.

Here’s to the next five dates!