The Perfect Man

I can say with no doubt in my mind that Anastasia (1997) is my favourite animated film of all time. I’d even go as far as to say it’s one of my favourite films ever. I have watched it multiple times a year since I was a child. I own it on VHS, DVD and even have a copy downloaded on my laptop. I know every line and every song. Fuck, I know it backwards. Just singing the soundtrack in the shower lifts my spirits. It is my happy place.

If you’re not already familiar with the plot of the film, don’t think that you’ll find any historical accuracy whatsoever. It’s romanticised to the point of saturation, but it’s wonderful. The film has everything! A strong female lead, a love story, an amazing soundtrack, a charismatic villain, a puppy and a bat – it literally gave Disney such a run for it’s money.

It’s not unusual for girls, and boys, to connect with animated characters when they’re young. Girls notoriously love Disney princesses, and I was no different. My favourites, though, were always the ones with a bit of an edge; namely Jasmine (Aladdin) and Esmerelda (The Hunchback of Notre Dame), though I know the latter isn’t a princess, but a gypsy. They were strong and stubborn and full of gumption – none of this lying around and waiting for someone to kiss them nonsense. I think I also enjoyed that they were brown; it definitely meant I was one step closer to being them in real life. So, naturally, when Anastasia came along, I ate that shit up. Anya was everything to me. It’s even written down in one of my old diaries that my first daughter would be named Anya. It was like the directors at Fox made her for me. We were twin souls dancing in the wind to ‘Once Upon A December’. And, as an extension of this, Dimitri was obviously my soulmate.

Don’t frown at the screen like you’ve never found an animated character attractive. Aladdin’s a babe. And you’d definitely bang Meg from Hercules. Anyway, Dimitri was the first boy I ever liked. And, to this day, has sustained my affection longer than any other man. Essentially, I still love him. He is perfect. Let’s not even talk about the fact that he has the voice of John Cusack – swoon, much? – because I don’t even have the words to tell you what his voice does to me. Granted, the kid’s not without his shortcomings; he is a bit of a cocky bastard and a conman, but he redeems himself! And who isn’t attracted to a bit of cockiness, anyway? Here are all the other things that make him the love of my life…

First off, he was a cute kid with an incredible moral compass, so your babies will be amazing

Then he grew up to be this panty-dropper

Who can spin you like this

And this

And protect you from anything.

He’s sensitive to your feelings. He notices when you’re not okay and does’t ignore it

And he thinks you’re beautiful and isn’t afraid to show it.

Plus, he definitely knows how to take you like a woman.

Clearly I don’t want for much. Where is this man?!

Who is your ideal partner? Tell me your animated favourites!

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23 in slightly more depth, but not much

23 was nice and simple. Woke up to a big Disney princesses balloon because I’m such a grown up
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Came down, had breakfast and opened some presents.

Went for lunch and saw the new Thor movie. Chris Hemsworth is a babe.

Had dinner with the fam. Nodded politely at requests to get my life together. Shook my head violently when told I should start husband hunting. Asians. Pah.

Ate cake. Oreo cake. It was amazing. I could have jizzed my pants.

Drank too much wine. Ended up having this conversation:

Me – I thought you would have said happy birthday

W – Didn’t know it was your birthday

Happy birthday

Me – [balloon emoji]

That was lame

I didn’t know what to say

W – Cunt is what  you usually say

And then I sent a picture of my birthday cake. What is wrong with me?

Drank some more wine. Fell asleep on the sofa. I’ve a pretty good idea what 23’s gonna look like