The Four Week Bucket List – Results

So my four weeks have passed and I reached none of the goals outlined here. Before I tally everything up, you can see what I have done here and here, and I’ll tell you about the last date I went on.

I call this one the boy because, at the tender age of 20, that’s what he is. I was somewhat tentative about meeting him but he had good chat so I thought why not? When we met at King’s Cross I instantly thought he had a young face. Then he spoke. Brilliant. He had a young voice, too. But he was cute so off we headed for coffee. We sat down and I asked him what he wanted. He asked why I was offering to treat him. I deflected the question as I didn’t want to tell him it was essentially because he was a child and I couldn’t let him buy me anything. When I came back with our drinks, the first thing he said to me was

You have really long legs

I was so in there. Coffee was nice; we chatted and flirted for a couple of hours until he said that I should come back to his. I countered with suggesting we go to a museum instead. This was quickly shot down. He grabbed my hand, pulled me up, picked up my jacket and lead me towards the door. How could I say no to that?

Being 20, he is still a student. But he’s currently on a placement year, though still living in a student house and living like 20 year olds do. After searching his kitchen for something to drink, he found a bottle of Sours at the back of a cupboard with no lid on it. He handed me the bottle.

I’m an adult. I can’t drink that.

Bloody youths.

We ended up watching Supersize Me. Least sexy movie ever. Obviously my super sexiness countered this though and he was all over me. So the boy is super fit. Like his body is just solid. He does one arm pull-ups like Arrow. LIKE GREEN ARROW! If that means nothing to you, you’re lame. So I was a little self concious about getting naked – think Emma Stone telling Ryan Gosling it’s like he’s photoshopped in Crazy, Stupid, Love, except neither of us are that hot.

in my wet dreams

Plus, I didn’t want to sleep with him after having slept with the American a couple of days before. He was having none of that, though. The boy was strong. And rough. And super dominant. He backed me into a corner and pinned my arms above my head, demanding I do as he say and take off my jumper. Now, I think of myself as a strong girl; I can hold my own. But the boy had me. He picked me up, threw me around, pulled my hair, bruised the shit out of my torso, and it was crazy hot. The boy was a man. Naturally, things started to escalate. I then so delightfully put a stop to them by announcing that I needed to pee. He was thrilled.

Upon my return we decided to have dinner. Having already looked around his kitchen I knew the options weren’t going to be great. I don’t want to give much attention to this part of the evening. He made me egg fried rice. Enough said.

After dinner we quickly picked up where we had left off. No surprise there. But he had no condoms. I was somehow super sensible and restrained and didn’t have sex with him. Huge surprise there – even I was shocked at myself! Honestly, I went into the date not expecting much, but I had a really good time. He’s still a kid; he exudes that youthful flippancy and indifference that’s just tiring once you’ve grown out of it, but he’s pretty cool. He earned a reply when he messaged me the next day, and we are still talking.

So! Let’s evaluate the past four weeks, shall we? Here’s what I set out to do, and what I did do is in bold:

  • ten dates – went on seven
  • not pussy out of talking to cute boys at bars (post coming shortly) – every time I was at a bar I was already on a date! Fail
  • bang two new people – banged one, although could have easily been more
  • learn how to do the splits – didn’t even try
  • dance more – every day in my room, bitches
  • have one last incurable hangover – haven’t been out once! Tragic
  • sort my shit out – not even a little bit 

As you can see, I wasn’t that successful. And now I am 23 and super responsible and dignified. We’re going out for my birthday tonight. I’m obviously not going to embarrass myself in any way and will execute the night with shit loads of modesty and grace. Watch this space.

The Four Week Buck List – Second Update

So another 10 days have passed and I have accomplished shit loads very little. To see what I’ve already managed, click here, and to see what I set out to do, click here.

To be fair, I was in Berlin for five of those days. Not hunting for Aryan cock, but on a wholesome, family trip looking after my adorable little cousins. That’s not to say, however, that family trips to Berlin haven’t turned into complete and utter debauchery in the past, but that’s another story for another time, maybe. Berlin was great. It always is. The boys (my cousins) were horrendously naughty but have such butter wouldn’t melt faces that they could get away with murder. I got a rash on my face because the 5 year old thinks it’s hilarious to lick instead of kiss; I got scratches on my cheeks and chest and an almost bald spot because the 7 month old likes to grab and pull on everything; and I got sick. In fact, we all got sick.

At first it was just my sister. She was whining and complaining all evening but I ignored it as she has a strong tendency to be something of a drama queen. Next thing I know, she’s vomming in the bathroom and eloquently describing how diarrhoea is like having a wee out of your bum. An hour or so later, my aunt gets it. Around 10pm, the 3 year old wakes up with it. We think back and realise the 7 month old may have had it. I start freaking out. These are not good odds. I decide that I am strong willed and I refuse to get it. Mind over matter. ‘Move your big toe’ and all that jazz (we can only be friends if you get that reference, by the way). 

So, with the apartment becoming more and more like The Walking Dead, I shut myself away with the 5 year old – who slept soundly through all the commotion, by the way. The kids’ room is really cool. They have this thing called ‘the high bed’. It’s basically another level built into the room where the 5 year old sleeps. It has a play area and loads of cool stuff up there, but the steps are sketch as fuck if you’re anything more than 3 feet tall. But being cocky and confident that I was stronger than any bug, I slept up there anyway. Obviously, around 3am, it came for me. With one hand over my mouth I clambered my way across the high bed – thank fuck for night lights – and then tried to slide down the stairs on my arse. I leapt over the 5 year old in the pull out bed I should have been sleeping in and legged it to the bathroom. Of course I was a fraction too late. Brilliant. There was sick everywhere. In my hands, in my hair, all over the loo, on the walls and on the floor. Just brilliant. After cleaning, I go back to bed. Obviously the high bed is out of the question, and because I’m so loving and want to give him the best chance of not getting sick, I steer clear of the pull out with the 5 year old. This leaves the 3 year old’s bed. Just to be clear, it’s not just a bed that the 3 year old sleeps in, it’s made for 3 year olds. It can’t be more than 4 feet long. I’m 5’8″. Fuck my life. 

The next morning, the 5 year old gets sent to school to keep away from all those infected. An hour later, we get a call saying he was sick as soon as he got off the school bus. What a trip. 

Anyway, I’m back in London and better now, so things are back on track. I had a third date with the American the other day, so obviously I slept with him. He bought me Smarties, Skittles, and Penguins – how could I not? It was great. Casual and easy. No awkward fumbling. Watched episodes of It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia naked and eating Skittles in between rounds. Perfect. I do have two issues, though –

  1. He wants me on top all the time. Don’t get me wrong, I like it up there, but not the whole time. Oh, you want to switch positions? Great! Oh, reverse cowgirl? That’s still me on top. Fucker. But, when I am bouncing about up there, I can see Big Ben and the London Eye out of his window, so I don’t mind too much.
  2. He talks too much. Anyone who knows me knows that I’m not the biggest talker. This extends to sex. I don’t mind a bit of dirty talk, but if you ask me a question mid-thrust, I’m not going to answer. And then it’s just awkward; you’ll think I’m not having fun and I’ll want to gag you. The same goes for narrating what’s going on. You don’t need to. I’m right there with you doing it. It’s not a documentary and you’re not David Attenborough. I’m not going to lie, I did tell him to stop talking a couple of times and swiftly redirected his mouth to much better use. 

So, as you can see, a lot of the list is yet to be completed. My birthday is a week away. Wish me luck!

The Four Week Bucket List Update

10 days ago I posted about how I shall soon be turning 23, and made a short bucket list of things I wanted to do in the remaining time. Let’s see what’s been done..

Basically nothing. Fail.

I have been on 5 dates though, so that’s a start!

#1 The Policeman – We met on POF and he was so nice to me. He wasn’t particularly good looking but he didn’t seem awful either. I let this slide in the interest of finding someone who was actually nice to me, was older (28), and because I kind of just wanted to date a policeman. After weeks(!) of talking we finally met for a drink. I knew as soon as I saw him that it was just a no. He was far too small for me and I just didn’t fancy him. I don’t think the feeling was mutual however, as at the end of the night he tried to go for a kiss and I turned my head. Awkward. Regardless, he text me later that same night – I’m a catch. I never replied – I’m a bitch.

If only

#2 The American – I found the American on OKCupid, which I’ve only recently joined, and he also seemed nice. Can you tell I’m really trying to find nice boys?! We met in the city on Halloween night, and he took me to a rooftop bar in St Paul’s. +1. The view was incredible. +1. He was funny and interesting and kept me laughing the whole night. +1. He was SO American (no offence to any Americans reading)! So animated and loud to the point it was kind of obnoxious. -1. But, like I said, he was funny and nice so I let it slide. We spent upwards of 4 hours wandering around the city, drinking and talking, and I had a really good time. We kissed goodbye at the station. He messaged me the next day – do I need to tell you I’m a catch again? I replied!

#3 The American part 2 – We kept in contact and a few days later I went to his to watch a movie. He assured me that watching a movie meant actually watching a movie. As he’s such a chatty Cathy, I said I’d like to watch something I’d already seen as he’d no doubt talk through it. He picked the only one on the list that I hadn’t! 30 minutes or Less, if you’re wondering. Luckily it took little focus to follow it as he did talk and keep trying to make out the whole way through. When the Indian girl, played by Dilshad Vadsaria, came on screen, he said, ‘She looks like you’. I of course burst out laughing. He countered with a, ‘No, I see the similarities,’ followed by a ‘Yes! Nailed it!’ He’s an idiot but it made me laugh. I had said that I wasn’t going to have sex with him – and not in the way that means that it was definitely on either. Somehow, I stuck to this. I was so proud of myself. We made out. A lot. It was frustrating for both of us. His nice boy exterior slowly faded as he surprised me with his extensive dirty talk. Literally the last thing I was expecting. Anyway, long story short – we didn’t bang, I met his flatmate (who was cute!), he walked me back to the station, kissed me goodbye, and that was it. We’re still talking and he wants to see me tomorrow.

I wish

#4 The Engineer – Another OKCupid find, he’s a 27 year old software engineer working with start ups and doing things with the internet that I don’t understand. His office is in Shoreditch, so this is where we went for drinks. Thankfully he is just as judgemental as I am and made fun of all the hipster kids taking themselves far too seriously. I wasn’t initially that attracted to him, but as we talked more, he was charming and funny and interesting and I really enjoyed myself. After a few drinks and a lot of chat, home time rolled around. He walked me to the station via his office to pick up his laptop. I maybe thought his office is where he’d make a move, but it was all very innocent. I had a wander whilst he grabbed his things and then we left. Lame. Cut to standing on the super busy platform at Old Street – I was overly aware of there being so many people around us as I am generally not one for any kind of PDA. So I went for a hug and he kissed me on the cheek. However, when I pulled away, he just went for it. And so there we stood on the platform, surrounded by people, getting with each other for the full three minutes before my tube came. I figured he’s a grown up so I should just go with it – that’s how I justify being complicit in such PDA anyway! Sounds like a great date, right? HE HASN’T TEXT ME! Literally, what is this? Doesn’t he know I’m kind of a big deal? Question: Should I text him?

#5 The One Not Worth Mentioning – 25 year old training to be an accountant. Standard. We went to a Mexican bar in Angel. He was very nice. Conversation was relatively easy. It was all distinctly fine. I had no interest in him. I must have feigned it relatively well though as he text me the next day. His message ended with ‘hope you had fun?’ If you have to hope I had fun in a question because you’re that unsure of yourself, there’s a good chance I didn’t. I’m sure you can guess that I didn’t reply.

Here’s to the next five dates!

The Four Week Bucket List

In four weeks from today I shall be turning the ripe old age of 23. There is nothing special about this – there are no balloons for it, Taylor Swift doesn’t sing a song about it, and no one really gives a shit. It’s that awkward, shitty kind of age where you feel like you should be more grown up than you are, have your shit together more than you do, and generally just not be the hot mess that you are. So, as I have a month left of feeling just about okay with being a hot mess, here are some things I would like to do..

  • find love

Lol, guys, it’s not that kinda blog.

Fo’ realz now –

  • ten dates
  • not pussy out of talking to cute boys at bars (post coming shortly)
  • bang two new people
  • learn how to do the splits
  • dance more
  • have one last incurable hangover

And on a more serious note –

  • sort my shit out

Because, let’s face it, Blink were right when they said,

nobody likes you when you’re 23

Four weeks from now I will have a much more grown up list.