First kisses don’t always end with a twist, Kesha

I don’t know about you guys, but the potential of a first kiss scares me shitless. I can’t read signals – I don’t know what I’m feeling, let alone what the other person’s feeling. People don’t always have a ‘move’ à la Ryan Gosling in Stupid Crazy Love, SO HOW ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO KNOW IF SOMEONE WANTS TO PUT THEIR MOUTH ON YOURS?

You wait for the ‘moment’.

I think that, often, those movie type magic moments are so fleeting that they’re really just hard to recognise, especially for a first kiss. When you know someone well, moments are there all the time – you can be smiling at each other on an escalator and know it’s the time to kiss. It’s not though, by the way, save that shit for private, you animals. Every first kiss is a new experience; every time is like exploring new territory. No, not literally the insides of their mouths, metaphorically, YOU ANIMALS. I think that unless you’re crazy confident, you can never guarantee that a kiss is on the cards, and this is why there’s no natural ‘moment’ for it. So, more often than not, the moment has to be fabricated. This can happen in a number of ways, some more standard and socially acceptable than others.

For the most part, no one really says anything before a first kiss, it’s usually all about ‘the eyes’. In my mind, I don’t even know how to make ‘the eyes’, but apparently I give them out all over the shop. Oh well. Boys are generally pretty good at picking up on this look, and that’s how they know they should go for it, especially in club type situations. After a date, or when you’re a tad more sober, however, it can be a little bit more difficult than that, and guys tend to come out with a line of sorts..

“So..” You know that awkward pause when you’re standing on the platform/at your bus stop after a great date but neither of you has really been explicit about your intentions? And you have 3 minutes until your appropriate mode of public transportation arrives and you’re not quite ready to say goodbye? And you don’t really want to leave without getting felt up a little bit? But no one’s doing anything? Yeah, that’s when one of you will be so bold as to say ‘So..’. And then you make out until TFL cockblocks you and it is glorious.

“Come here.”/’Get over here.” He says something to this effect, grabs you, and lays it on ya. This is probably my favourite, except for the split second of mild overwhelming panic when you’re not entirely sure what he wants you over there for. I enjoy that it is dominant without being forceful, and that the guy is confident enough to sense what you want and take charge of the situation. PERFECT.

“I really want to touch your face.” We’d been through three hours of drinks, a drunken walk home, and the whole of The Big Lebowski whilst lying on the bed together. No one had made a move, and to be honest with you, I was quite content with that. However, we had met on Tinder and pretty much planned for me to stay the night, so I knew a kiss was coming at some point. I just didn’t expect it to take so fucking long. I basically spent five hours wondering when the kid was going to make a move. We were lying really close on the bed, he kept touching my legs – it could have happened at any time. Eventually, he must have decided that the opening credits of Megamind really set the mood as he got closer and closer to my face and declared that he wanted to touch it. I should probably say that it wasn’t a completely random thing for him to come out with, as it is a well known fact that I freak out and smack anyone who touches my face, but, still. It was weird.

“You’re so awkward.” He wasn’t wrong, but that was definitely weird to say, right? So, we were sitting on his sofa (which he made an effort to let me know was from Heal’s) and I was downing my drink because he kept staring at me and I was hella unnerved by it. I told him to stop, he said his line, and then he just went for me. I was sitting with my knees up against my chest. I know I said I’m shit with signals, but I could not think of less inviting body language! How did he read my acute discomfort as his ‘moment’? He then later tricked me into his bedroom by saying he could hear his housemate at the door. His housemate was not at the door. I’m just that stupid.

How do you feel about first kisses? What’s the weirdest thing someone’s said to you before they’ve made their move?

Getting It On Gracelessly

Sex scenes in movies are always so perfect. Their clothes come off perfectly. They fit together perfectly. They change positions perfectly. Even the sounds to come out of their perfectly agape mouths are perfect.

Fucking bullshit.

Sex never happens like that. Everyone knows that leggings and skinny jeans are a bitch to get off. Someone always gets kicked in the head when switching positions, and someone’s always making a face  or saying something stupid that makes you want to smother them with a pillow.

Sometimes things just go wrong during sex. Sometimes it’s horrendous, sometimes it’s awkward, sometimes it’s kind of hilarious, and sometimes it’s just a sweaty amalgamation of the three. We’re only human, after all.

Here are some situations you just have to laugh through..

When a guy notices that your boobs are different sizes. So, I’m aware that most women have slightly different breast sizes, and that that’s completely normal, but I feel like mine are noticeably asymmetrical. As you always tend to be your own worst critic, I thought – even though the gap in my bra was real – maybe I was overplaying the difference in my mind, and just left it. It was never really something I thought about when getting naked with someone else, either, as no one ever mentioned it. Until they did. One night in my final year of university, I went home with this fucking moronic ginger boy who had had a thing for me for, like, a year. Things happened as they usually do. I later found out he may have been a virgin; this didn’t surprise me. The kid acted like I was the pot of gold at the end of his fucking rainbow. In reality, I’m more like a plastic cup full of pennies, so ginger virgin definitely made sense. Anyway, as I just lay there letting him do what he wanted until an appropriate amount of time had passed so that I could kick him out, he cupped both my boobs in his hands and said, ‘They’re different sizes. This one’s bigger; this one’s my favourite.‘ WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THAT?! There was nothing to do but laugh and agree and try to change the conversation. It didn’t happen again until a month or so ago when the Tinder Ginger did basically the exact same thing. I have come to the conclusion that gingers see boobs so rarely that they really fucking pay attention.

When you vom on a guy’s dick. This is mortifying, but fucking hilarious in retrospect. It’s my favourite story that I just never tell because I was so drunk it’s like it happened in a dream, and so I never remember it. Now listen, when I say ‘so drunk’, I don’t mean ‘can’t walk in my heels and offering blowjobs for McDonald’s’ kind of drunk. I mean it was definitely taking advantage of my state to go home with me. However, because we knew each other well, no one really thought anything of it even though they knew we shouldn’t have been shagging. Long story short, I think I passed out in the middle of proceedings, and when I came to, he was sitting on my torso, moving his cock towards my mouth. What a fucking gentleman. My memory fades out here, but from what I can gather, being the drunk slut I was, I gladly opened my big mouth and welcomed him in. Big mistake. The next thing I know, he’s wiping me down with a towel and I’m standing there saying, ‘Well that’s never happened before.‘ I wish I remembered actually being sick because it’s probably the funniest thing I’ve ever done – if you don’t agree, by the way, you really have no business being here – but I think my brain at the time classified it as traumatic and instantly blocked it out. In reality, it must have been a combination of the angle and the fact that I was too drunk to even have a raisin pass down my throat, but I like to think that my body just knew that the whole situation was wrong and decided to violently reject him.

When a guy refuses to go down on you. I have never had to ask for head before in my life. That’s not to say that it’s happened during every sexual encounter, but I’ve never felt like it definitely needed to be added to the roster enough to warrant asking for it. Additionally, I’m not much of a talker. You’re not going to get any verbal feedback from me no matter how much you ask for it. So, when this boy had his head between my thighs one night and JUST WASN’T DOING IT, I was so frustrated that when he asked, ‘What can I do?‘ I so meekly replied, ‘Can you put your mouth on it?‘ I die a little inside just thinking about it. So, when he looked up at me and said no, I just didn’t know what to do. I felt so awkward and exposed that my automatic response was to close my legs, forgetting that his head was still there. I think he thought I was trying to force feed him. Awkward. When I text Emily about it the next day, she told me that her friend yelled at a bloke who had refused to do it until he felt so bad that he just did it anyway – I like to think I handled it better than that, at least.

When a guy refuses to let you go down on him. I don’t tend to wait to be asked; I just do it. I’m kind like that. And I just so happen to be excellent at it so why not show off the skill set?  So, when this kid stopped me RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE, and said he ‘wasn’t feeling it‘, I was devastated. That may seem melodramatic, but it hit my confidence so hard that the first thing I did the next morning was text my friend saying, ‘Want a blozza? I got stopped mid-suck and feel inadequate‘. Obviously he did, and we ended up shagging later that night. I, however, did not feel the slightest bit better about myself even though I got the reaction that I wanted. The next time I saw the initial guy, though, he asked for head and loved it. And all was right with the world.

When you laugh in someone’s mouth. The first time I got with W, we were lying on his bed watching movies. They were my choices, so I think I was significantly more into them than he was; he talked the whole way through The Big Lebowski, and decided that Megamind was the perfect time to keep trying to get it on. I’ve seen both a shit tonne of times so basically know exactly what’s going on at any given moment and can anticipate what’s to come. So, there we were making out during this delightful children’s movie when my favourite line comes up – ‘Ollo‘. Because Megamind can’t say ‘hello‘. I burst out laughing in his mouth. Yes, I’m about 5 years old. He literally jumped away from me to the other side of the bed, whilst I carried on laughing. This was the second time we’d met. I think I semi-apologised, but more just explained that it was a fucking hilarious line. He edged towards me and said, ‘Don’t do that again. That was so awkward.’ 11 months later and it’s still my favourite memory with him.

Have you experienced any of these situations? What awkward things have you encountered during sexy times?

23 Things I (Ir)Rationally Love

I’ve seen a few variations of these listy type posts going around – Aussa, Angelle, Samara – and as I’m one to hop on the bandwagon, I couldn’t resist. I’m stubborn as fuck so I refuse to accept that anything I love is irrational, but, here ya go..

1  Making weird faces. Smiling is so mainstream.

2  Sugar on white rice – don’t knock it ’til you’ve tried it.

3  Purposely making situations more awkward than they need to be for my own amusement.

4  Quoting The Big Lebowski whether any one else gets it or not.

5  Playing with fire.

6  Playing with wax.

7  Sitting under my desk to read.

8  Blow jobs.

9  Dressing up and playing with my teddy bears. At the age of 23.

10  Beauty Blogs + buying make up. I wear 3% of what I own.

11  Picking at my nail polish. After I’ve spent hours doing really cool designs.

12  TYPING IN CAPITAL LETTERS.

13  Writing things by hand instead of typing them.

14  Shots, shots, shots, shots, shots.

15  Complaining about my period pains.

16  Doing my eyebrows. What’s more important than eyebrows?

17  The moon. I just love it.

18  Side ponytails.

19  Wandering around Selfridges/various department stores, putting all the handbags on my arm and asking, ‘Does this suit me? Is this a good everyday bag for me?

3.1 Phillip Lim Mini Pashli – every time

20  The smell of library books.

21  Picking scabs. My legs are more scarred than a ten year old boy’s.

22  The E! Network. Sorry not sorry.

23  Eating ice cream outside in the cold. Bliss.

Do you relate to any of these things? What are some things that you irrationally love?