How To Avoid The Night Bus

If you are a regular human being, it is fairly likely that you have had to take a night bus home at least once in your life. If you haven’t, it’s exactly like the Knight Bus in Harry Potter, give it a try!

I hate the night bus. I hate that 80% of people on it are drunk (it doesn’t matter that I am, too). I hate that 90% of people on it are just plain fucking weird (it doesn’t matter that I am, too). I hate that if you fall asleep, the person next to you will try to steal your wallet out of your pocket. I hate that 18 year olds think that it’s okay to interact with you. I hate that it smells like McDonald’s (it doesn’t matter that I probably contributed to that). And I hate that it stops a 20 minutes walk away from my house and I have to run the risk of being raped and stuffed inside a suitcase to get back to my bed.

So, here are some handy tips to avoid all that!

#1  Get a taxi. Lol, jk. If you’re anything like me, you’re basically destitute and ‘taxi money’ is actually better utilised as ‘three more drinks and a shot money’. If, by the off chance, you are a fully fledged functioning member of society and you still, for some unknown reason, read my blog, a taxi is undoubtedly your best bet. But you already knew that.

#2  Stay with a friend. I know what I just said, but if there is a group of you, you can forfeit one drink and share a taxi. As there is also safety, and comfort, in numbers, you could also take the dreaded night bus together. They will be there to act as a buffer when weird boys try to get you to go back to theirs and ask if you and your best friend are ‘beating’. They will also (hopefully) make sure that you don’t get raped and suitcased on your way home. Sometimes travelling in packs doesn’t work out, though. Sometimes one of you will get off at the wrong stop whilst the rest of you have fallen asleep, missed the right stop, and ended up at the end of the line where you have neither your shoes nor your phone. Don’t worry, though; this is fairly rare. After all, you don’t turn 23 every day.

#3  Stay out all night. When you are young and excited about the world and your body bounces back like you’re part of the fucking Marvel Universe – this ends, and gets progressively worse, at the tender age of 22, by the way – staying out all night is a great idea. It helps that there are also a number of ways to do this.

  • Late, late, late night clubs. I’m talking like 6am close, here. Just drink like you’re in Mad Men and dance like you’re in Footloose until the sun rises, and then hop on a tube home to bed. You may think that sleeping during the day is a waste of your youth, but, really, what else have you got going on?
  • Food establishments. I’m talking 24 hour Starbucks, Subway, McDonald’s – all great shouts. When we were 18 and thought we were really cool acting like we didn’t have homes to go to, my friends and I used to stay in the 24 hour Starbucks in King’s Cross. I won’t lie though, if I saw people doing that now, I would judge the fuck out of them. Maybe I have grown up a little.
  • Public buildings. Okay, so I don’t really know what public buildings are open all night, but I’m assuming that if you’re out and trying to avoid the night bus, it’s likely you’re a student. So hit up campus! Last summer, after I finished my last exam, casual drinks with my two best boys turned into bar-hopping around Soho and flashing a boob at G-A-Y Late. As my friends don’t live in London, and I couldn’t rock up to my Asian household at 5am with two beautiful boys in tow, we decided to brave the city at night and took to the streets. After eating our Subways sitting on the curb like the hoodrats we are, it dawned on me that the library is open 24 hours and we could find shelter there. So, off we skipped to UCL. However, the feds campus security was on to us and we got turned away from both the Science Library and Foster Court (yes, I’m name dropping buildings you don’t care about, deal with it). According to the ‘Overheard at UCL’ Facebook page, we may have pleaded with security to allow us into the building because we just wanted to have a threesome – but who knows. Eventually, we stumbled our way into the main building and took cover until the trains started running again. My body hated me, but it was so worth it.

#4  Get lucky. Going back to someone else’s and having a lil bit lot of sexy time is the ideal way to avoid the night bus. Why? Because you’re getting laid, duh. So, you have two options here – a) you get your flirt on and find someone in da club to bang, or b) you booty call a big bootied hoe. Be warned, though, both may lead to a bus journey of shame in the morning..

a) to be honest, if you’re a girl, I don’t really recommend going back to some strange boy’s house – you know how I feel about being put in a suitcase. However, this doesn’t mean you can’t use them to buddy up and share a cab or bus with you. If things like stranger danger don’t cross your mind, though, by all means, go back to theirs! I actually really enjoying seeing different boys’ houses and bedrooms – and have more than once been told to stop looking around like I’m judging them. So, just remember, don’t be nosey in a way that may get you stabbed.

b) if you’re out and you already have a slice somewhere more convenient than your house, call them. There’s literally no shame in it; I did it a couple of weeks ago. It’s a win-win situation, you avoid shitty travel and you get laid – what more could you want?! If you’re really lucky, they’re also out somewhere nearby and can go back to their’s with you, because, let’s face it, it’s never particularly classy to turn up at someone’s off your face when they’re completely sober. On the other hand, if you’re worried about being classy, you’re reading the wrong blog.

So, there you have it! Some super simple ways to avoid the night bus! Do you ever partake in any of these? What kind of travel do you hate?

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