After my Snapchat Relapse, I messaged W and told him that such mini lapses in judgement couldn’t happen again and that they were unfair on me. He responded with
I can help. Fuck off shit head.
There is genuinely something wrong with me that this made me smile. After a few more of these exchanges, we said goodbye.
Obviously all snapchatting did not cease, but it did become a little bit more sparse. Today, however, I went crazy; snapchat crazy that is, I don’t do the whole psycho girl thing. Now, I tend to snapchat a lot anyway; probably more than is acceptable. But I’d definitely stopped sending the majority of them to W. Yet today I somehow found myself sending him all of them – even ones that weren’t being sent to multiple contacts, just him.
I think it was partly that I was still recovering from being ill the days before, and partly because every single one I sent got some variation of ‘fuck off’ or ‘fuck the fucking fuck off’.
I’m not quite sure what made me keep going. He stopped when I sent one captioned ‘am I antagonising you?’
Maybe I was. Maybe he was trying to antagonise me. Maybe he really was trying to keep me from allowing myself to relapse again. I don’t know. But I had fun with it. What does that say about me?