Sneaking Out Of A Boy’s House Gracelessly

I have for you, dear readers, a story that epitomises the one night stand. It is both tragic and shameless, and was, of course, a complete accident.

Last December I went to visit my friends who were still studying at our undergrad university. It was set to be a pretty standard weekend involving copious amounts of drinking, clubbing and hangover food. I was beyond excited.

Club Cant Even Handle Us Right Now

how cool I tend to look ‘in da club’

I was staying with my old housemate, one of my best friends, Lexi. Our day went swimmingly, and come night time we met with the rest of our friends and had a pretty good night out. At least I think it was good. I could’t really tell you. I was fucked. Before I knew it the night was over and I had met no boys (as far as I remember). So off Lexi and I set on the cold walk home. The walk home, like all walks home with me, looked something like this

funny giraffe picture

apt as we are both tall girls with a thing for giraffes

Something to note and keep in mind – girls wear very little clothes when going out. This doesn’t mesh well with December in London so we take a big bag with more clothes, coats and flat shoes to pile on at the end of the night. I was carrying this bag with both of our smaller clutch bags – containing money, keys, phones – inside it on the way home. 

So, there we are stumbling down the footpath when a boy asks us for a lighter. I immediately dive into my ‘smoking kills’ spiel, yell at him, and fall over a couple of times. Obviously he can’t help but be smitten. Lexi walks ahead to leave us to get with each other. As we approach the bottom of the hill where the road forks, I inform him that I am staying with my friend and have to go. Somehow I end up at his. Like I said, I was very drunk, and my memory of the events are very hazy. I’m not even sure I knew how I ended up there at the time. I take my clutch, leaving the big bag downstairs and he leads me to his bedroom. I’m still insisting that I’m going back to my friend’s house. I keep calling her but she doesn’t answer. I insist some more. He’s having none of it. He pushes me back onto the bed and clothes start coming off. My phone starts ringing, and thinking its Lexi, I run to get it. I am confused when I see that it is our other friend, Steph. I pick up. When I hear Lexi’s voice I am even more confused. Then, as she starts explaining, it all comes together. I am a terrible friend.

As you may have pieced together, I had the big bag. I had her house keys, her phone, and all of her money. She thought I was following her home. I honestly thought I was too. But, instead, I left her stranded. Bad friend. Half naked and batting the boy away from me, I apologise profusely and offer to come to Steph’s to meet her. She says there is no point and I might as well bang the boy. Except she doesn’t say ‘bang’ – apparently no one does and I am weird for it?

Anyway, I feel terrible but of course I stay. Things progress with the boy as such things tend to progress. I honestly couldn’t tell you whether it was good or not. I couldn’t tell you what positions we did it in, how many times or if either of us came. I was fucked – in every sense possible. What I do remember extremely vividly, however, is this conversation:

Me – How tall are you?

Boy – 5’11

Me – Cool

Boy – I lied, I’m 5’10

Just what?! It still makes me laugh to this day. Anyway, after other obligatory chat to soften the sluttiness we fell asleep. I even let him spoon me. Only because it was fucking freezing though.

The next day, I woke up far later than appropriate. I checked my phone to see messages asking where I was etc and who this random boy was. I had no fucking clue. I turned to look at him. He was blonde! Anyone who knows me knows that blondes just aren’t my thing. I couldn’t really see his face to see how cute he was. Gutted. I didn’t even know his name. It was definitely time to leave but the boy was dead to the world. I thought for a second I may have been so good it killed him, but quickly laughed it off.

There was nothing left to do but make a run for it. It was my only option. I looked under the covers to confirm that I was indeed butt naked. I looked to the side of me to see if I could see any of my clothes. Negative. I scooted forward and checked the foot of the bed. Not there either. I leaned as far over him as possible and checked his side of the bed, too. Nope.

So I crawl out of the bed, completely naked, and the hunt begins. I can’t find ANYTHING. I text Lexi this. Apparently my situation is hilarious. I can tell you that there is nothing hilarious or attractive about being hunched over and rifling through a strange boy’s mess of a room. He definitely needed to clean. How many dark t shirts and pairs of trousers can one person leave on the floor?! Eventually I found a bra. Then a blouse. So that was my top covered. Lexi told me to steal some trackies but I’d been wearing my favourite shorts and I refused to leave them! After another 5 minute search, I found them. Where the fuck were my knickers? I gave the room another once over, but couldn’t find them. Fortunately for me, unfortunately for him, they weren’t particularly nice ones, so I bit the bullet and decided to leave without them. I shimmied into my shorts, grabbed my earrings off the dresser, picked up my clutch and tiptoed out of the room and down the stairs. I picked up the big bag and headed for the door. Where were my shoes?!

I wandered around the whole of downstairs, once again on the hunt. The silver lining of this was that as I wandered around, I came across the house FIFA table in the kitchen and this lead me to remember the boy’s name! So that made me feel a little bit better. Anyway, I headed back upstairs to search his room again. Nothing. But then, as I was leaving, I managed to be at just the right angle to spot them in a different boy’s bedroom! What were they doing in there?! Had I been in there? Was my underwear in there too?! I had literally no answers. So I just slipped on my pumps and legged it. I came out of the house to see that I was only three streets away from Lexi’s. What a cock up.

Needless to say, the boy and I have not been in contact since. For all he knows, the whole thing could have been one giant wet dream. Well, if I hadn’t left my pants that is.

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